Found

Chelsey here. It only took me...3 1/2 months to finally sit down and blog. :) Warning: this is a very honest post.

On a related note: I used to be a really self-motivated person. Some might call it being a perfectionist...perhaps even slightly OCD...but whatever you called me, I had drive. I obsessed over high A grades (a 97 wasn't high enough). I ran as fast as I could because I was determined to outrun the girl in front of me. And when I ran, I was too stubborn to stop and take a breath.

That's generally how life went - I set my mind on something and I stuck to it, no holds barred, until I finished. The difference between this sort of motivation and healthy drive is that I was hurting people - and deceiving myself - as I sped by.

Long story short: when I was in my early high school years, I tore a ligament in my knee that required surgery. Surgery required physical rehabilitation. Physical rehabilitation required me to

slow

down.

A lot. Slowing down made me see that I had been placing my identity and self-worth in the things I could do (academics, athletics, talents etc.), rather than in being a child of God. Of course, at that point in my life, the thought that my self-worth wasn't wrapped up in my activities never even crossed my mind. That point came much later.

In fact, I'm still working on it.

Watch these:

(Be warned, though - there is some minor cursing and lighthearted dark humor - if that sort of thing offends you, then...deal with it.)

Byron Phillips: Found Part 1 w/ Zachary Levi from Joel David Moore

Byron Phillips: Found Part 2 w/ Zachary Levi from Joel David Moore

So I'm sure you're wondering what a weird short film about a guy who loses his soul has to do with my knee. Stay with me.

My last year of college was an extremely hard one. I was planning a wedding, missing my fiancé, and desperately seeking an internship to become a rostered church worker. I prayed without ceasing that God would provide me with one, but He didn't. I tried to take matters into my own hands by asking people to spread my name around the St. Louis area, but nothing came up. I even called different pastors and asked them if they needed a DCE intern for the next year - or even two. I was desperate.

I rarely slept; I withdrew from most of my friends; I got sick often; I cried often; I dropped off the map of the DCE crew. I had been looking forward to my 'placement' chapel service since I was a freshman in college, but when the time came, I didn't even attend. I couldn't bear it. It made me sick to my stomach to see my fellow DCE classmates beaming with pride as they announced where they were going to be interning the following year. I envied their conversations about potential difficulties or challenges they would face and wished with all my might that I could join in.

Instead, I sat in the back of the classroom week and spoke to no one. The only question any of them asked was, "Chelsey, how is the job hunt going?"

I gave a runaround answer. What was I supposed to say - abysmal? Because that was the truth. By the time I left Concordia, I had never been so grateful to get away.

It was hard to explain to others how I was feeling. On one hand, I was overjoyed, excited, and eager to commit my life to Ted's. I was ready for us to be joined in Christ; I knew my calling was to be his wife before being a DCE. On the other hand, I felt like a complete failure. I had set up standards for myself and I had failed to reach them.

It wasn't until I watched this film that I realized that I have not gotten past the lie that I am only what I achieve. It's been - what - almost 8 years? And still I feel like 14 year-old Chelsey, tottering through the halls of Liberty Hill High School on crutches, watching my old friends chatter and laugh together in their volleyball uniforms on the way to a game that I could no longer prove myself in.

It's a strange thing - knees, 'lost' souls, interrupted plans. But for me, it all makes sense when I consider this:

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

that saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now am found

once was blind, but now I see

God has provided for my husband and I in ways that we never expected. He always does. I am happy - really, truly happy - here with Ted.

And in the journey to St. Louis, I have realized that it isn't possible for Byron to get his soul back from Zoe, and all attempts to do so only lead to confusion and pain. His soul is peaceful, content, and full of joy with her. And why should he get it back? That isn't what he needs.

My soul finds rest in God alone. To whom else will I go? Not athletics or successful plans or professional achievement, but to Him alone. In Him is my calling (even if it is contrary to what I think I need or deserve). In Him is my peace (even if that is working a desk job and making grocery lists in the Midwest, of all places).

My Lord has given me my grace-filled identity in Christ.

He has the words of eternal life.

P.S. Yes, this relates to Chuck. :) Byron is played by Zachary Levi. And he - along with Joel David Moore, one of his good friends - is the bomb.